Thursday, April 9, 2015

The First Trimester

After hearing the little's one heartbeat for the first time a few weeks ago, I was excited to finally announce the addition to our family on social media. It never really seems real until then right? And since then, I have been itching to sit down and blog about the first few months of pregnancy. Blogging, or writing really, is how I process things sometimes and I like having things documented so I can go back to them later.

This pregnancy has been a trying one. We found out we were pregnant when I was only about 4 weeks  along and before that I had a gut feeling that something was up because my hormones were turning me into a crazy person. 

We had a lovely, low-key Christmas and enjoyed some uninterrupted family time in our newly renovated living room. The Monday after Christmas, Matt returned to work, taking our car with him because something was wrong with his. We were stuck at home for the day, which is usually fine. I can handle a day at home, I like my home, but on this Monday after Christmas I completely freaked out. I had never felt like this before, I felt hopeless, trapped inside, anxious about nothing and everything and I couldn't stop crying. It was so so weird and scary. 

I desperately called Matt and asked him to come home, something I've never done. I can only imagine what was going through his mind but he came home and comforted me and we made a plan to get out of the house for dinner that night. After that, I was fine. The kids woke up from their nap, we played and were excited to go to dinner when Matt came home. Over dinner, Matt and I decided that my bought of the crazies was simply the after Christmas blues and I would be fine.

The next morning I didn't feel so fine, in fact, I felt pretty awful for the next two weeks. The weekends and the days we had plans with friends were better, but the bad kind of out weighed the good. I had no idea what was going on and that scared me, I began hoping I was pregnant just so that I would have something to blame these crazy feelings on. 

As it turns out, I was pregnant! We were thrilled and I was a little relieved that I wasn't just loosing my mind. Having a baby seemed like a good reason to go a little bonkers. 

After that, my mood swings would come and go. Somedays were fine and others were just terrible. We'd come home from a family day full of fun and I wouldn't be able to stop crying. There were moments when I felt so sad, for no reason and full of fear about everything. 

I was scared that Matt wouldn't make it home from work and I'd be left on my own with three kids, I was scared that something would happen to my parents, or to us all, that something terrible would happen and I would be the only one left on this planet. I was obviously loosing my mind. 

At one point, things got really bad. The weather had been yucky for a few days and I was so scared and sad and tired and I had no idea what to do. My sweet Mom, whom I would often call in tears, flew to Albuquerque from Florida where her and my Dad and Grandma were on vacation. She came to take care of me, missing the birth of my newest nephew and I was so thankful. Im 29 and about to have three kids of my own, but I needed my Momma. 

While my Mom was in town, we figured out that eating frequently and keeping my blood sugar up helped. When she wasn't here, she'd text me throughout the day to make sure I was eating enough. And we also found out that my vitamin D and iron were really low. I started taking supplements and a prenatal vitamin heavy with iron and eventually my hormones started to even out a little. 

I still had some bad days. More people than I am comfortable with saw me cry ugly tears for basically no reason. But I think some good things came out of all this craziness. When anyone asked how I was feeling, I would tell them. I didn't hold back. I asked for prayer and then I asked for prayer again. I reached out to people who I knew experienced similar symptoms, I opened up and became vulnerable and a crazy thing happened. People wanted to hang out with me, they wanted to love one me. People prayed with us and for us, brought us food and had us over for dinner. It was amazing and we were so grateful. 

It's scary to think how going through depression or something similar would be without the support of loving friends and family. Or a husband for that matter. Did I mention yet how great my husband has been through all of this? Maybe that's why I had so much anxiety about loosing him, because he's just that great. He's been patient with me, while also giving me some tough love at the times I needed it. I am blessed.

There's really no point to this post besides besides me finally (I hope) being on the other side of something crazy and processing while I write and also giving a little shout out to those of you who were there when we needed a friend. If you're reading this (does anyone read this anymore?), you know who you are. Thank you. Thank you for loving us or me, when I might not have been lovable. Thank you for giving me a shoulder to cry on, literally. Thank you for being the body of Christ.

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